Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Drums keep pounding a rhythm to my brain...

I bet you thought I was on another blog hiatus, didn`t you? In typical fashion, once something has happened that upsets me I find it hard to sit down and type. And I`m upset. But in such a cliche manner, writing about it does seem to make me feel better. 

About a week ago I started to have symptoms similar to those before I had my surgery. 

I went from feeling absolutely normal, fine... even great... to feeling pretty darn crummy all the time.

And I am pissed.

The symptoms came, literally, out of no where. I was laying down with Amelia, nursing her, and all the sudden noticed my head was pounding and felt `full`. It struck me as odd since I had not felt that way since my superior vena cava was all blocked up (brush up on my heart history here if you`d like) so I reached up to feel my neck to see if my jugular veins were all hulk like. And they were hulk like. 

Before my surgery, when my superior vena cava was closed to 3mm, I would get pressure headaches and the veins in my neck would bulge out because the blood could not flow through that small opening. I would get a back up of blood in my veins which caused those symptoms. 

And now they are back.

And this is strange. If the area of my superior vena cava was going to scar back over it would have done it sooner rather than later. At least that is the standard school of thought for re-scaring. 

And I am back to having next to no tolerance for physical activity. Just walking around while holding Amelia gives me chest pain and I become weak. Ya`ll, I was just running the other week! 

I went to see a Doctor on Base who decided that I should have a study done to see if the vein is clogged back up again. I am waiting for an appointment to be arranged with a Japanese hospital for a trans esophageal echocardiogram. Basically they put a long probe down my throat to get a good, clear image of my heart. This will tell us if there is anything causing my symptoms, structurally speaking.

I keep hoping that I am just going a little nuts and the symptoms are all in my head. The moment I start feeling more `fine` than `crappy` I get confidence. I say to myself `It is all in your crazy little head, you are fine!` and I hop up to play with Noah, scooping him up and swinging him in the air. Then I get weak, my chest starts to ache and feel tight. 

And, if I am lucky, that is the end of it. But more often than not I spiral into a mini panic attack. My skin gets hot and feels like needles are pricking me all over. I start to panic that I am alone with the kids, or that I am miles away from the hospital, or that I don`t speak a lick of Japanese yet live in Japan... and if I am particularly dramatic I start worrying about what would happen to the kids if I just kicked the bucket. I mean, Amelia Will. Not. Take a bottle. 

But the beat goes on, right? 

But I am having a hard time handling this with grace this time. I am angry and scared. Whatever it is that is causing these symptoms... I just hope it is an easy fix. I don`t know if I can muster up any more courage or grace, ya`ll. 

So on that utterly depressing note, I am done whining. Let`s cheer ourselves up with cute pictures of babies:


Man, do my children look alike as babies or what?


Until next time, folks.





1 comment:

  1. Oh Bryna, I'm sorry for the sudden turnaround. I hate that you're feeling so lousy. I'll be thinking about you and praying for you -- and waiting eagerly to hear what the Japanese doctor says. In the meantime, is there anything I can do?

    And yes, those are two cute, little look-alike babies!

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